


shadows fill my mind up

by drunklesbian



Series: i lost you not long ago [1]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, idk if this even makes sense but ??, with an unresolved ending bc i hate myself :-)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 02:31:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6266086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunklesbian/pseuds/drunklesbian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neil hasn't seen Andrew in over three years. At least in person. He still watched every game he played since he transferred to another team; since the day he broke up with Neil. If one could call it a break up as they never established whether the thing between them was a relationship in first place.</p><p>Or: another one where Andrew calls things off with Neil and they haven't seen each other in over three years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shadows fill my mind up

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing it at 2 am and i had a fever so it may not make much sense ?? so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> this is dedicated to [zoe](http://queenofshadcws.tumblr.com/) but only because sometimes she is nice to me
> 
> title from 'the emotion' by BØRNS (pls check him out his music is a++)
> 
> also please keep in mind that english isn't my native language and i tend to mix up tenses i am sorry yikes

Neil hasn't seen Andrew in over three years. At least in person. He still watched every game he played since he transferred to another team; since the day he broke up with Neil. If one could call it a break up as they never established whether the thing between them was a relationship in first place.

 

(It happened after their second game against the Trojans. They had won, barely, but won by two points.

Neil still can remember how happy he was to see the easy way Jean interacted with his new team, how well rested he looked and the stolen glances Jeremy threw at the ex-Raven. 

It was after a quick talk with Jeremy and a long shower when everyone already left the locker room for the bus. Andrew had been waiting by Neil's locker, toying around with his wristbands. 

It wasn't unusual for Andrew to wait for Neil, he always did, but this time he sent of a reckless energy, as if he was on edge, nervous even. Not that anyone else would have been able to tell, just Neil. He knew Andrew's body language by now, knew when something was off.

Neil had barely registered the papers Andrew had in his pocket when these were shoved into his chest. Andrew looked at him then, expressionless, and Neil's uneasiness grew. He swallowed down the feeling and scanned the papers.

At first his brain refused to believe the words he was reading. It wasn't making any sense. When he saw Andrew's signature at the end he dropped the papers.

"Why?" It was all Neil could manage. He was having a hard time processing what he had just read, confusion and anxiety whirling through his body.

Neil would never forget the cold look Andrew gave him, but only because he could clearly see the wrongness of the whole situation mirrored in his eyes.

"I grew bored of this.")

 

Three years later and Neil still couldn't shake the last bit of anxiety that manifested that day.

 _I grew bored of this_.  Neil had asked him to elaborate, but Andrew kept quiet. Eventually, Andrew left and after a few messages Neil sent him he gave up. This was another way of Andrew saying _no_ and Neil couldn't disrespect that.

That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. The first couple of months were the hardest. During the nights Neil kept turning over in bed to be crushed by the emptiness. During practice he forgot, if just for a second, that it wasn't Andrew in the goal. Coming home to an empty house was the hardest, leaving Neil alone to his thoughts and the overwhelming loneliness.

Though there was no threat to his life, Neil's first instinct was to run. Run as far as he could, to a place no one knew his name or recognized his face. But after a week spend in the rural are of Austin Neil realized this wasn't something he could run from.

He went back to his team and poured all his energy into Exy. His teammates tried to stop him from wearing himself out on the court day after day, too many times surpassing his breaking point, but Neil embraced the pain. He needed it to distract him from the emotional tumult in his chest.

Neil still skyped every week with Nicky. The first and only time Nicky brought Andrew up Neil ended the call. He couldn't stand the questions and the glances he gave him. After a week of silence the Foxes realized he wouldn't talk about it and the topic became a taboo.

The only one crossing the line over and over again was Matt, but in such a caring way that Neil couldn't shut him out. Matt became somewhat a safe zone, someone Neil could talk to about everything without the walls breaking down on him.

 

After the first year passed Neil worked out a routine where he exhausted himself at practice leaving him too worn out for social interactions or too long hours at home trapped in his own head. He knew this wasn't living anymore, it was merely existing, but losing the person that has kept him grounded on earth for such a long time, a person that represented _safety_ and _home_ brought consequences with it which Neil wasn't able to work out in the short time span of a year.

When his mother died the danger of getting caught by his father's men managed to keep him distracted; so when he lost the most important person in his life again he found the distraction in Exy. 

 

It was in the second year that he started interacting with his team outside of practice, joining them whenever they celebrated a victory. It was awkward at first, as throwing a new person into an already shaped dynamic always is, but after a couple of months they learned each other's ways and Neil started relaxing around them.

He wasn't as close to them as he had been with the Foxes, but it was a solid start.

Neil also started going out on his own more. It started off with morning runs and exercises at the gym, but soon he went to walks in the park and to the movies. Sometimes he would find someone watching him and his heart would start beating faster, adrenaline pumping through his veins only to remind himself over and over again that it's okay, that his father is dead.

When he got notified of the court dates of the cases against his father's men he missed practice the first time. It took him an hour long run to calm his nerves enough to call back and confirm that he would be there.

In the end he didn't go alone, Renee accompanied him. They didn't talk much, but the silence didn't feel awkward in any way. Merely her presence helped him through that day and he would be forever grateful for it.

 

To say he didn't think about Andrew would be a lie, but the person he promised to not lie to wasn't in his life anymore.

 

The third year came to be the easiest. Neil wouldn't say that he moved on, but thinking back didn't trigger another panic attack anymore. His team was becoming one of the best teams in Exy's history, he could call most of the teammates his friends and recently he got a cat.

Caring for another living creature beside himself was a huge step in his life, so Neil was rather proud of the progress he made, and that all by himself.

It was the second month of living with Sir Fat Cat when he got an unexpected knock at his door. With the cat in his hands he went to answer it, only to find Andrew Minyard standing on his porch.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i'm sorry i hate myself for this tbh  
> anyways idk you can punch me in the face over at tumblr [@adampaerrish](http://adampaerrish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> edit: yikes after a couple of weeks i wrote a companion fic to this from andrew's pov and well [click here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6375490)


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